Self-Esteem – What it is and How to Achieve it

Friends,

Welcome to my 21st quarterly newsletter, this one addressing self-esteem; what it is and how to achieve it.

Of all the judgments we pass, perhaps none is as important as that which we pass on ourselves. Self-esteem is at the heart of being happy, being successful, having healthy enduring relationships, at the heart of living our best lives. Therefore, self-esteem is a skill worth studying and continually strengthening.

SELF-ESTEEM – WHAT IS IT?
People with self-esteem have two fundamental qualities: they feel confident and they feel worthy.

  1. They have confidence that they can meet the basic challenges of life.
  2. They feel worthy of happiness, of success and having a right to have their wants and needs considered.

Self-esteem is fairly easily recognized in the:

  • Ability to laugh at ourselves,
  • Ease of talking about accomplishments and shortfalls,
  • Openness to criticism,
  • Ability to give and receive compliments,
  • Spontaneity, flexibility, curiosity,
  • Harmony with what we say and do,
  • Openness to others ideas/perspectives,
  • Ability to grow, change in constructive ways, and
  • Ability to recognize and accept our mistakes.

SO WHAT ENABLES US TO HAVE SELF-ESTEEM?

Nathan Branden author of Six Pillars of Self-Esteem identifies 6 fundamental principles that enable us to have self-esteem. If we understand these qualities and increasingly act consistent with them, then we further develop our self-esteem. When we act inconsistent with these qualities, we diminish our self-esteem. Here are Branden’s six principles of self-esteem:

  1. Living Consciously
  2. Self-Acceptance
  3. Self-Responsibility
  4. Self-Assertiveness
  5. Living Purposely
  6. Living with Integrity

In the remainder of this newsletter I would like to flesh out these principles.

UNDERSTANDING THE SIX PRINCIPLES OF SELF-ESTEEM

Living Consciously is basically living consistent with reality. We violate this when we know a particular action will hurt ourselves and/or others and we still take this action. The antithesis of living consciously is an alcoholic or drug abuser. If we lost our last three jobs because we used cocaine, to take the drug again, we must deny the reality we face.

Self-Acceptance is to be on our side and not put ourselves in an adversarial position to ourselves. It is the ability to recognize despite all our weaknesses and mistakes we have made, we are still worthy of happiness and success. When we speak to ourselves in a negative derogatory way (“I am so stupid” or “Why can’t I ever do anything right”) we are choosing not to value ourselves. Make your emotions work for you, not against you.

Self-Responsibility is holding ourselves accountable for our actions, both our successes and our failures. We do not blame others for our own shortfalls. We take ownership for our feelings and our actions, rather than suggesting someone else made us feel or act a particular way. It is taking responsibility for our happiness and not waiting for someone else to make us happy.

Self-Assertiveness is to honor our own wants and needs and express them in an assertive manner. It is neither being belligerent nor passive. It is treating ourselves with respect, expecting others to respect us and respecting others.

Living with Purpose is being clear about what we  wish to achieve, what is important to us, and putting our actions into this framework such that our actions lead to the achievement of our purpose.  It is amazing that so many of us live without being clear about our purpose. If we are not clear, someone else will decide our purpose for us.

Living with Integrity is having a valid sense of what is right and wrong and living consistent with this. When what we believe, what we say and what we do are in harmony, we are living with integrity.

Self-esteem is nothing we are born with nor necessarily possess, but something we build every day by living as consistent with these principles as we can. I know I can do better and writing this letter has been helpful to me.

I hope you found this of helpful as well. Would love to hear what you think.

Be well … better yet thrive.


–Douglas. A. Smith

 


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

From the bookshelf!

Books I am reading and highly recommend.