The Stories Our Lives Tell

Friends,

Welcome to my 22nd newsletter, this one dealing with “The Stories Our Lives Tell.” 

In 2018 I wrote a newsletter on ‘Mastering the Stories We Tell Ourselves.” Just in case you have forgotten, the basic message of that newsletter was that the stories we tell ourselves shape our lives. If we come to master these stories in beneficial ways, our lives change in beneficial ways. The foundational assumption was that we do not respond to events, rather we respond to the stories we tell ourselves about those events. Here is just one example, for years I told this story: “I have a bad temper because my dad had a bad temper.” Translation of that story … “My temper is my dad’s fault and there is nothing I can do about it.” By telling that story I made myself a victim. We all tell dysfunctional stories. Some dysfunctional stories we tell once, some we tell over and over again throughout our lives. Some dysfunctional stories make little difference (e.g. “I am not good with names.”). Some stories we tell ourselves shape our very destiny. Here are two stories that lead to diametrically different lives:

  • “My parents were both alcoholics, of course I have a problem with alcohol. What do you expect?”
  • “My parents were both alcoholics, of course I don’t drink. What do you expect?”

Learning to recognize which stories serve us and which do not and becoming a master of those stories can greatly enhance our lives.

WHAT’S A GOOD STORY?
In this letter, I want to take the subject of stories a little deeper, and instead of writing about “the stories we tell ourselves,” I write about “the stories our lives tell.” Put simply, what type of book o movie would our life make?

Much of this was stimulated by an excellent book by Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.

The first sentence of Donald Miller’s book is “Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants to buy a Volvo.” Seems like a strange place to start a book. But I think it is actually a great place to start this book. Donald Miller writes the reason no one cries at the end of such a movie is that it is not a good story.  So the first question the author wants us to consider is “What is a good story?” In the pages that follow he leads us to an answer which is this:  a good story is one about a character who wants to achieve something of value and overcomes conflict/obstacles to achieve it.  

Interestingly, if the story doesn’t have negative turns and twists, setbacks, and a little heartache, it’s not a very good story.  But almost every challenge comes back to bless the protagonist if he/she faces their fate with courage and continues on the journey. It is not about victory or defeat. The story is about the character and the arc of changes he/she goes through as they meet the challenges they confront.

WHAT’S AN EPIC STORY?
But the author doesn’t stop here. He goes on to explain what he calls an “epic story.” An epic story is about a character who wants to achieve something that is very difficult such that he/she risks their well-being, even perhaps their life, and what they seek to achieve is for the sake of someone else … “The story is sacrificial.” In other words, you cannot have an epic story without benefitting others or without major setbacks/traumas/crises/defeats. The journey of the protagonist is almost always started by what is known in the film and publishing world as an “inciting incident,” some unexpected, unwelcome news that changes the very fabric of the protagonist’s life. It is not the inciting incident that brings about the change, it is the doorway and once through the doorway, the protagonist cannot return to either where they were or who they were. Again, victory or defeat, it is the arc of the character development that makes a good/epic story.

WHAT IS OUR LIFE STORY?
I found all this about good and epic stories interesting, but it is the next question the author asks that I think is the foundational purpose of the book and that I found most fascinating. It is a question he cannot answer, but one only we can answer. The question is this: What is the story of OUR life? If our life story is like the guy whose primary motivation is to buy a Volvo … a second home, a bigger boat, another mink coat, a flashier car … our life story won’t be very interesting.  But if our life is a good story with twists and turns and maybe even close to an epic story in that it is sacrificial, then others will be moved by our story and want to be engaged in it.

CAN WE WRITE AND LIVE A GOOD/EPIC STORY?
Which led me to one additional question that I think the book is quietly asking: Can a person write a story for his/her life and then intentionally live that story? Can we write a good story or an epic story and then live it? I think we can. It takes getting clear about what we want the story of our life to be. And the first step in being clear, the step that almost all of us ignore, is to get clear about what we want our life story to be.  We have to write the story … then we can live it. If we can’t see it, we can’t live it. 

Since 1985, when our family faced major challenges, I have been guided by a written mission statement. It is not terribly long (always less than one page) but it spells out pretty clearly how I want to live my life. It evolves as my life evolves, as I make changes several times a year. I think anyone can begin to write a mission statement by crafting four sentences around these four things: What do I do for myself, for my family, for work, and for community? From there you can flesh it out more fully and eventually write something that will be a touchstone for how you live. I am including a link to my current mission statement that might be of help if you choose to write your own mission, but do not spend too much time with it. Each of us needs to create our own unique mission. Once you have written it, reflect on what were the “inciting incidences in my life and how did I respond to them. And most importantly ask yourself this question: “If I live this mission statement will it be a good story … could it possibly even be an epic story?”

Our story is our life. Our life is your story.

I would love to hear back as to what you think.

In any regard, be well … in fact flourish.


–Douglas. A. Smith

 


“You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day, all the time, you have to remember the bad things over and over. It’s too much work.”

— M. L. Stedman, The Light Between the Oceans

From the bookshelf!

Books I am reading and highly recommend.